Make things better
by Inphemera
Summary: One shot. Slash. Post-prank discussion between Remus and Sirius.


Remus Lupin was sitting on one of the stone benches near the main building of the school, drinking a hot chocolate that was not hot anymore and thus, tasted awful. An old book that was spread on top of his lap has absorbed all of the teen's attention making him let the chocolate cool down.

After a long while, he finally changed his position in order to take the cigarette package out of the inside pocket of his robe. He lighted the cigarette, refraining from his reading during several seconds in order to do it. Once the tip of the cigarette glowed orange, he went back to his beloved gothic novel, Frankenstein. He loved the idea of the human versus the monstrous that you can find in this literary masterpiece. Was the monster human? Was the human a monster? How would you define either humanity or monstrosity? What makes the creature one or the other? And most importantly… Can one be both?

He took a drag and let his eyes focus on the smoke coming out of his mouth in a very straight line, floating up to the skies and then, went back to his book. He couldn't help remembering all the cigarettes that he had shared with his friends as his eyes kept following the lines on the page in front of him, with his brain unable to register the words as his mind travelled to happier times.

Not that those times had been very long ago.

Not that he didn't have them as friends anymore. Of course he did.

Only a couple of weeks had passed by since the dreadful event took place. It had completely changed the way he thought about himself in the context of the school, the way he thought about his friends, about him. It was not Sirius' fault that it had hurt so much. It was probably nobody's fault how strong the feelings that the werewolf had for his friend were.

He moved his hand to bring his cigarette back again to his mouth but, since he had left it for too long dangling in his fingers without paying much attention, too much ash had accumulated on the tip, and it felt on top of his book as soon as he moved his hand over it.

"Shit" he muttered.

"Glad to find you in such high spirits!" Remus' heart jumped in his chest as he heard the voice of no other than Sirius Black next to him. Appearing as calm as ever, he did not look up at him and just kept blowing the ashes of his book.

"I didn't see you coming."

"I've just come out of divination. Can I have a fag?" he asked while sitting next to Remus.

"Of course." He took the package out of his robe again, setting his book aside and finally looking up to his friend.

They were not being weird with each other anymore. The arguing had lasted for less than a day, the apologies followed Remus during three, and the awkward silence lasted two painful nights. After that agony, they had started speaking normally, as if nothing had happened, right after Sirius asked him if he could borrow a shirt. A silent smile from Remus had been the only indicated tacit approval that they were never talking about it again, and that pretending nothing had happened was the appropriate thing to do just then. This meant that they had been behaving normally towards each other for a little bit longer than a week now and as far as Remus could tell, the plan seem to be working quite well for them both.

"So, where are Prongs and Wormtail?" Remus asked.

"They headed back to the dorm…"

"Didn't feel like coming outside? It's quite a nice afternoon."

"For reading."

"Of course. For reading. Outside. Enjoying the nice breeze on your hair."

"Oh my dear Moony, how very little you know about the pleasures of life."

"Is that so?" he looked right in the eyes of his friend and had to entertain himself taking the last drag from his cigarette in order to put something in between themselves as they suddenly seemed to be too close to each other.

"Remus I…" he started, ignoring Remus' comment completely. "I wanted to… I asked Prongs and Pete to go back to the dorms because I wanted to speak to you alone for a bit." _Oh God. No. Not this again. _

"Please…"

"No, listen. It's not about what happened. I… well, maybe it is... I don't know. It really makes me feel like shit. What happened."

"I told you a million times that it is okay. What's done is done. Can we just please move on? I thought we have been doing pretty well during this past week."

"No. Remus. We are not. We are behaving like idiots. I don't feel comfortable with you anymore…"

Remus had never heard words that hurt so much in his entire life. And that was saying something, given that being a werewolf, he was meant to be the target of quite a fair amount of hatred speech. He tried to speak but he didn't know what to say. His chest felt as if a bludger had just hit him really hard and the air in his lungs was not willing to collaborate in the formation of any form of sound. Remus tried opening his mouth, but the only thing that came out was a grunt.

"Are you upset?" Sirius asked. _What a stupid question to ask_.

"I don't know. I really didn't see this one coming." He looked at the ground and decided that the best thing to do in order to calm his nerves was to smoke another cigarette, so he lighted another one, in silence, with trembling hands.

"What is that you didn't see?" as Remus looked back at Sirius' face again, he seemed confused.

"You telling me that you are uncomfortable with me. Do you… I mean, what do you want to do about it? … Are Pete and James still going to speak to me?"

"Excuse me?"

"No, of course." Continued Remus, barely hearing or seeing Sirius anymore. "That's an idiotic question, you will stick together. Okay. That's fine. I understand I guess. I always sort of expected this to happen."

"Are you retarded Lupin? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I thought you've just as good as told me not to speak to you again 'cause it makes you uncomfortable."

"Yes... No! Oh come on Remus! I… do you really think that I am blaming you for this?" he stood up to face his friend who was apparently keen on avoiding his eyes.

"No. I don't think you are." Remus stood up as well, making Sirius give a step back to avoid their noses from touching. "But… this is really not working."

"What isn't?"

"Me trying to be normal."

"Oh no. Let's not go down this path again."

Remus simply shrugged, took his book and started walking off to the Hogwards grounds.

"Where exactly are you going?" asked Sirius turning around.

"For a walk." Was the only answer he got, as he started following Lupin.

"Remus," he started again when he reached him. "I really did not mean it that way. And don't get away while I am trying to speak to you." He stopped him by taking him quite aggressively by the arm. "I am not going to apologize to you again if that is what you dread so much, and I am by no means going to stop being your friend. But, really, we need to do something!"

"With what?!" he was inevitably starting to lose his nerve, and the cigarette he was holding in his hand was showing with its awkward movements the Remus was shamefully quakering.

"I really don't know. But I have the feeling that something weird is going on between us. Is it me who's acting weird? Because I can't tell anymore." Sirius admitted.

Remus knew perfectly what was going on. It was not Sirius' fault at all. – Well, in a way, if you considered that he was the one to have started this entire situation with his stupid practical joke – but it was Remus who had changed. He had realised that his feelings for Sirius were much more strong than what he had thought, it was much more than the simple crush that he had told himself it was. He knew the moment they told him what had happened and who's fault it was because he knew right then and there that it did not matter at all, that his love for Sirius would not decrease the tiniest bit. And realising that had hurt in a very strange fashion that he was not prepared to deal with. And, interacting with Sirius knowing that he was going to keep feeling an invisible hand squeezing his heart every time he saw him for the rest of his live, had become more than difficult.

But of course, he could not tell him that. It was somehow too personal, even if it was directly related to him.

"Remus, talk to me. Please, tell me what's wrong. I know we can solve this. You know that… we won't be the same without you."

"What does make you think that I know what is wrong?"

"Because you always know everything smartass!"

Remus did not laugh at that, but tried to smile politely. His heart wasn't really feeling like jokes at the moment.

"And what if I do know?" Remus asked.

"I would really like you to tell me."

_I can't tell you_. Remus could feel his heart beating strongly in his chest. He could definitely hear it. Also, his arms and legs felt weird, maybe because of the excessive amount of blood that was running at a weird pace down and up them. _Oh… bugger._ And then, something came over Lupin. Something coming from a mix between the anxiety of what had happened with Snape, the sadness of his love epiphany and the pressure of having to hide being a monster.

So he kissed Sirius. In the middle of the grounds without any sort of warning or declaration. He just did it. He took the face of the dark-haired boy between both his hands and pressed his lips against the others'. Remus told himself to enjoy it, as he might not feel him in the same way ever again in his life. He tried to burn the soft touch in his memory as he moved away as abruptly as he had come nearer.

"What was that?" Sirius asked, stupidly.

"A kiss. Also, it is as close to an explanation as I can get right now about what's wrong between us."

Sirius appeared to have been hit by a petrificus totalus for a couple of minutes while Remus just stared at him, waiting for a reaction. Any reaction.

And then, Sirius moved forward and took one of the other boy's hands in between his.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"Is this gonna make things better in between us?"

"This?" he asked, looking both willingly and with uncertainty at their hands claspped together. "I guess not. It's probably going to fuck everything up even more."

"Oh, well. We have to play our parts as the reckless idiots and very brave Gryffindors that we are." Sirius smiled. "Gotta be a example for the new generations."

And with that, he grabbed Remus by the waist and kissed him once again.


End file.
